And the Drag Queens Came
by Pandora North Star
Summary: I was on monkey crack...Drag demons come to Sunnydale and everyone goes drag. Wackiness ensues. Really silly fic.


And The Drag Queens Came  
Pandora North Star  
This story I wrote when I was in a silly mood and finally finished. It is by far my worst but funniest piece of Buffy fic.  
  
"Why are drag queens so funny?" Xander asked Anya as he switched off Rocky Horror Picture Show.  
"They just are. Even to me. Which is something to say because I still don't get this movie. Why do you make me watch it once a month?" Anya complained.   
"Because someday you will." Xander explained snuggling down in bed.   
"Ok." she conceded snuggling down next to him.   
  
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Somewhere on the outskirts of town were 2 demons. Drag Demons. "How's my hair?" One said to the other.   
"It's fine. Stop fussing. Boy I'm hungry." He smoothed the pleats in his skirt while he licked his lips.   
"Let's hurry up and turn the town upside down. Then we can find some tasty, transvestite, drag queen humans." the other said, then burst out in laughter. They snapped their fingers and whistled the theme from Rocky Horror. A weird magic dust floated over the town. It settled as a fine, thin layer over everything. Like a glimmering snow.   
"It's so pretty." The other one sighed happily. "Pretty magic hormone dust."  
  
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"Morning Willow." Buffy yawned and looked around. She walked to her closet and automatically reached for some baggie jeans and a t shirt which was Riley's for when he slept over. Willow followed suit.  
"Morning Buffy."  
The girls looked at each other for a moment and shrugged. Then Buffy took another look at Willow.   
"Come on Will. Let's get to the cafeteria. I want some breakfast. Because then we have to meet Giles." Buffy said in a deeper voice than usual.   
  
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"Wake up Anya." Xander shook Anya and shuffled out of bed. He went to the closet where they kept their clothing.   
"I'm coming." Anya whined. Xander reached into the closet and pulled out a cute little skirt and halter number. "Your chest isn't made for that shirt." She said sleepily. "Take this." She handed him a tight light blue one. Then she pulled out some long shorts and a flannel shirt for herself. "Didn't Giles say we have a meeting this morning?" Xander nodded. "Come on." then she burst out laughing. "Xander, you know you don't look good in heels. Like I always tell you, go for flats." She shook her head. Then she furrowed her brow. She couldn't put her finger on what was weird though.   
  
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"Giles, you're busting out of that dress. I hate to ask but did you shrink it?" Spike said wobbling in on, no doubt some of Dru's old heels.   
"Great. You're here." Giles pushed his glasses up his nose and adjusted his dress. "Boy that red is radiant on you. It really is your color."   
"You think?" Spike whirled around.   
"Yo. We made it." Buffy called clomping in.   
"What's going down?" Willow asked scratching her crotch and plopping down on the couch.  
"I just wanted to see if you have turned anything up in your patrols lately Buffy." Giles explained.  
"I'm here. I'm so sorry I'm late!" Riley breezed in with Xander and Anya on his heels."  
"Don't worry. You're not late."   
"That's a cute dress Riley." Buffy commented kissing him. She pinched his butt when he leaned over. He blushed a deep red and adjusted the short dress which showed off his jacked body well.   
"Back to the business at hand. See anything last night Buffy?"   
"A few vamps. That's about it."   
"Well that's fine. I need to tell you about a demon I found in a book by accident." He handed her a book. "This one is set to come to Sunnydale this month."  
"Ok I'll be on the lookout." Buffy assured him.  
"Well that's it then." Everyone wandered out, except Spike.   
"Hey Giles old pal. Could you hook me up with some chocolate? I'm PMSing something awful."  
"Sure Spike. Wait here a minute." Giles went into the kitchen and dredged up a chocolate bar. Spike devoured it and sighed happily.   
"Thanks so much Rupert." Spike sat back down on the couch. "Come on Giles. What are you waiting for? The View is on."  
"How could I forget?" Giles slapped himself on the head and sat down next to Spike. They turned on the tv to the news for a moment.  
"A weird hormonal imbalance is taking place in Sunnydale it seems. Everyone is dressed in drag and there is unheard of levels of estrogen in men and testosterone in women. The National Science Association is checking it out. Please don't go to Sunnydale today folks." The tv blared.  
"What are they talking about? I'm still the same woman I've always been." Spike rolled his eyes.  
"Completely silly." Giles agreed.   
  
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"I feel like a woman." Xander crooned to Shania Twain which was playing in his ice cream truck.   
"You are so cute honey." Anya said patting his knee. "And today when go get home I will have a surprise for you. I think it will be beneficial for our relationship." she winked.  
"Really? You are so sweet!" Xander squealed and kissed Anya on the cheek.   
"Will you drop me off at my place?" She asked. And he nodded eagerly.   
  
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"Buffy." Riley started as they entered the lecture hall. "I feel funny today. Am I feverish?" Buffy delicately touched his forehead and shook her head.   
"You look the same as all the other guys." Which at the moment were just as peculiar looking. She saw Graham flirting with some girl while he painted his nails.   
"Graham! I love that pale pink. Can I borrow it sometime?" Riley squealed sitting down next to him.  
"Sure babe. Anytime."   
"Hey did you catch the Angels game last night? I heard Mo bombed it." Buffy asked turning to the other girl.  
"Yeah. They lost 7-3 to the Sox."   
"Darn." Buffy muttered.   
"Hey Buffy. Do you want to go to the Bronze after we patrol tonight?" Riley asked Buffy eagerly. She gazed into his sparkly blue eyes for a moment and noticed the cute little barrette he wore.   
"Sure." Buffy smiled and put her arm around Riley.   
  
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"Dude what's up?" Tara said high-fiving Willow as they met up between classes.   
"Not much. Sorry I didn't come over last night."  
"No problem." Tara grunted.   
"What do you want to do tonight?"   
"Let's do some magic. We haven't done that in awhile."  
"Let's kill something." Willow agreed.  
"Well my dorm is full of spring ants. We could wipe them out." Tara suggested.   
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"We really don't sit down and chat enough Giles." Spike said putting down his tea cup.   
"You are very good company when you aren't biting people." Giles confessed.  
"I think we've bonded. This is so nice."   
"Whoever thought A Slayer's Watcher would become friends with a vampire as nasty as you were. It's almost like something on Dawson's Creek." Giles sighed happily.   
"Giles, do you want to have a sleep-over tonight? Just you and me?"  
"That would be nice Spike. We could bake cookies today too if you want."   
"How 'bout ginger snaps? Aren't those British?"  
"You are so thoughtful!"   
  
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The day went by fast. The drag demons were getting very hungry. And well they should be. But all would be well soon. Soon the drag queens would be coming out in loads. Men and Women. All ripe for the eating.   
  
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"Xander. I'm home. How did my little ice cream man do today?" Anya called stomping down the stairs of Xander's parent's house's basement.  
"It was ok." Xander shrugged. "Did you bring me a present?"  
"Yes." Anya tossed him the box in her hand. "Go put it on."  
"Ok." Xander kissed her cheek and ran into his bathroom. He came out a few minutes later. "I'm so fat. It looks horrible on me." He whined.  
"You are not fat Xander. Come on." She watched him as he edged out of the bathroom. He hadn't been lying. The teddy did look rather odd on him. "How cute." Anya soothed him. "And I can see Mr Winky hanging out." Xander squatted down. "It's not like I haven't seen him before. We make love like every day. Not as much as Buffy and Riley anymore but I thought this would help." Anya pulled him up and they walked over to the bed. "Come on sweetie." She leaned in and kissed him hard. She could feel him giggling under her lips.  
  
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"Riley, couldn't you wear something more sensible?" Buffy sighed seeing her boyfriend in tight leather pants.   
"Don't be silly. I shoot you fight. That's how we always do it." He rolled his eyes.   
"Fine. Come on." Buffy grunted as they headed out to patrol the town. No sooner had they gone out that Buffy felt something. She looked down a dark street and saw glowing eyes. "Fun. I can kill something." She chased after it and the vamp ran at her. They collided and with a poof the vamp disappeared.   
"I like my women tough." Riley smiled. It was her turn to roll her eyes.   
"Oh. What do we have here. Some very tasty treats." Buffy looked wearily at the drag demons.   
"And some very ugly demons. Drag? Come on. Did you really think you would pull it off?" Riley taunted.  
"Come to me so I can rip your little head off." Buffy growled advancing on the closest one.   
"Ew! Don't touch me!" he screamed.  
"Just eat her." The other one snapped.   
"Get away from me." Riley batted at the one near him. Buffy rolled her eyes. She grabbed the one near her and stabbed it will a stake.   
"I warn you, if you make me bleed my blood will make you into a homosexual." The demon warned her.  
"Shut up you damn prick." Buffy proceeded to plunge the stake through the thing. The blood spewed all over her as the other one took the chance to bolt.   
"You killed it. Now can we go to the Bronze?" Riley whined.   
"Fine. Maybe I can pick up some chicks." Buffy muttered to herself. So now she was a girl dressed as a boy who goes after other girls who dress like guys.   
  
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"Did you get the beer?" Tara asked ushering Willow in.  
"Yeah I got it. But how is it supposed to help us cast spells?" Willow asked.  
"It's just good man. It ain't supposed to help us cast spells." Tara slammed her hand down on an ant. "Let's kill these ants now. They eat all the food."   
"What are the spell ingredients?"  
"Well all it pretty much called for was an ant trap and the ant I just smooshed."  
"Cool." Willow picked up a can of the cold brew and looked at it for a moment thoughtfully.  
"Don't think. Just chug." Tara said gulping down one.   
  
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"I'm gonna get you!" Spike squealed waving the pillow around and darting at Giles.  
"You wouldn't dare!" Giles laughed side stepping a pile of videos.   
"Oh yeah?" Spike vamped and jumped on Giles. He tossed him on the bed and they wrestled for a minute as they hit each other with pillows.   
"Uncle!" Giles called as he gasped for air from having laughed to hard. "Let's put on Notting Hill now."   
"Yeah." Spike agreed tugging on his nightshirt. "It's a good British love story. Damn do I miss England."   
"I just love Julia Roberts. I wish I could be her. "Giles sighed.   
  
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"I am terminally embarrassed. Why don't we go to the Bronze?" Xander begged.  
"Well if you want." Anya shrugged and headed out the door.  
"Could you wait till I change into something more comfortable?"  
"If I must."   
They headed out to the newly best drag queen club in town. "Hey look. There's Buffy! And Riley in really ugly pants."   
"I preferred Backstreet Boy Riley." Anya said distastefully.   
"Hey Anya looking good." Buffy said cruising up.   
"Thanks. I guess." She eyed Buffy suspiciously. "You look weird."   
"Same as ever babe."   
"Xander I think she's hitting on me. "Anya whispered to Xander.  
"Can my life get any worse?" Xander moaned.   
"Oh Xander what color lipstick is that? Could I borrow it?"  
"Why sure!" Xander's mind switched gears and he forgot all about Anya and Buffy as he rooted through his purse for the lipstick.  
"So I like your shirt Anya." Buffy tried again. "It's a nice flannel material."  
"Xander she's doing it again!"  
"Shut up! I'm busy telling Riley about foundation because he apparently hasn't visited a Maybelline counter in years." Xander snapped. They entered the Bronze.  
"Check her out." Buffy thumbed to a girl on the corner.  
"Good. Go hit on her." Anya encouraged.   
"Hey Buffy it's that thing!" Riley wiggled a finger across the room to where the second drag demon was devouring a poor person. "Kill it. It's creepy." he whined.  
"Fine. Ruin my night why don't you. Order some booze huh? You're no good." Buffy huffed moving past tables.  
"You again? Didn't you learn your lesson?"  
"Apparently not toots. Let's have this out. These people are just trying to get in good with their honies. Ain't nothing wrong with that." Buffy spit on the floor and got into her fighting stance.   
"Ewww. Fine fine. Don't hurt me. I'll go. And I'll fix you. Because you creep me out."  
"That's it? Fine dollface. Don't let me see you around here again."  
"It will end tonight anyway. The spell only lasts 24 hours."  
"What spell?" Buffy puzzled. She felt the same as always.  
"Bye!" the demon waved and hightailed it out before she could change her mind. She shrugged and pinched a girls butt as she walked back to the others.  
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"Ew. That's a lot of dead ants. What do we do with them?" Tara looked around her dorm room at all the dead ants and made a face.  
"Trash can?" Willow grunted getting up in tipsy way and stumbling over to the trash.   
"I drank to much." Tara hiccuped.   
"Yeah me too." Willow grimaced and threw up in the trash can. They quickly scooped the ants in and headed to toss it out.   
"That was a very manly thing we did. Let's build something next time."   
"Ok."  
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"Oh my. I think I've had enough popcorn to last me quite awhile." Giles announced after the 3rd movie was over.  
"I know. I'm completely stuffed." Spike giggled. "Let's go to bed." They turned the tv off and hopped in bed with their cute little nighties on and talked about their girlfriends or lack there of.   
Somewhere in the middle of the night the spell ended and some woke the next morning with no recollection of the night before besides a thong or lone ant and well some did who ended up in bed, in nighties with vampires...   
  



End file.
